Posts in Funny

Iladelph Fantasy

Over the years, I’ve been trying to figure out what or who my ideal man is. At one point, I thought it was going to be Ryan Phillippe. Not to say that’s not #BaeGoals, but I prefer my chicken to be cooked if you smell what I’m stepping in. I often think about what my ideal guy looks like, smells like, what kind of soap he uses, what he calls his mother…all that. With much thought and deliberation, I have figured out who he is. Now, this isn’t to deter you future baes. This is just an IDEAL n*gga. A fantasy n*gga, if you will.

I’d like to introduce you all to my Illadelph Fantasy.

Note: This reads like an Eric Jerome Dickey novel. Enjoy.

We’d meet in Philadelphia. Our eyes lock across the room at a Roots concert hosted by OkayPlayer.com. I’m wearing my “Hip Hop Raised Me” sweater. He’s wearing black jeans–fitted, but not skinny. He’s wearing an Assata Taught Me hoodie. His locs look long, but he has them up in a style fit for a king. His locs match his complexion – a pretty shade of roasted peanut butter. His full lips take a sip from his drink that seems to be something dark and on the rocks. I turn around briefly, and I feel a tap on my shoulder. I’m greeted with a smile and a question.

“You smoke?”

He has the biggest smile, perfect teeth, and a set of eyes that heaven and earth dwelled within.

“Let’s get out of here.”

I follow and we end up sitting atop the roof of his car smoking high grade and watching the stars, with Cody ChesnuTT playing. He tells me his name is Rashaan, but he’s known around the way as Shah. He grew up in North Philly, and went away to college on a basketball scholarship. He hurt himself in an accident, and was unable to play. He finished his degree and earned a Masters in Public Administration. He came back to the hood to open up a non-profit for di yute dem (He’s not Jamaican. I just thought that sounded cool).  He hops down from the car and just stands with his hands atop of his head and stares at me. He smells like egyptian musk and the most exquisite dank. He’s 6’4″ and 215lbs.

 

I’m taking you home.Shah

 

He drives me to his house instead of my hotel. “Your home is where ever I am.”

….and then we fuck until we’re both rendered unalive.

 

The end.

Fatfished

So, I turned 30. I was totally told by Apple Care that there would be a bevy of hoes and good fortune. In the past week, I’ve gotten neither. But since a winner don’t quit on themselves, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I logged on to a site where D&A was abundant, and intelligence and shame was void. I didn’t take my own advice by practicing self-love before getting on because that’s how you stop yourself from making bad decisions, but I figured I’m grown and I can make sage choices.

Woo shit. I was totally wrong.

I get a message from this young fellow. He was bearded and kind of fullfilled my Illadelph Fantasy (we’ll talk about that later). We had a short exchange of words, and I was off to his apartment in my neighborhood. I made up in my mind that if shit went left, that he lived by a Rite Aid and I needed to pick up deodorant so the trip wouldn’t have been in vain.

He was very secretive. He didn’t want to give me his apartment number and gave me all sorts of Alice In Wonderland ass directions to finally get there. I was slightly turned on by it.

OH THIS SHIT IS ABOUT TO BE SO LIT.me

I get to his apartment door and he opens the door where I can’t see him. He had MachoFucker porn playing on his Toshiba laptop that was in clear view. I stepped into the apartment and I get a look at him.

 

This n*gga is wide as God’s grace.

“Oh, so were those your pics,” I asked as I took a seat on the couch with a confused look on my face.

“Nah, that’s me but those are old,” he responded. He was wearing a wife beater that was so tight it could’ve only been made by NASA. “So, what’s up?”

N*gga! “What’s up?” The f*ck you mean?!

Here’s the thing:
I have no problem with fluffy men. Sometimes I’m in the market for a good thick piece of ham, but that’s not what was advertised and what I was in the mood for.
You thought that shit would fly? Like, how many people do you do this to? And how many people go along with it because they’re that f*cking horny.
You got me f*cked up.

I got up and said I had something to do. His face screwed and confused like this was a sure-fire plan to get his rocks out and couldn’t understand why it wasn’t working. Or, maybe he was hungry. I don’t know.

“Oh, aight. I have to go to work anyway,” he said.

I walked out and went to McDonald’s.

 

 

WATCH: Husband Accuses Wife Of Sleeping With The Wu-Tang Clan

Shout out to the good people at Divorce Court to provide us this short morsel of fuckery. Watch as this man (who is a little howyewzewah if you ask me) and his whife (white wife) battle it out over allegations that she was involved in some groupie love with the Wu-Tang Clan.

 

 

 

Online Dating IV Featuring @HeyAssante

Watch as Assante and XD trek through the belly of the beast and give their hilarious commentary on online dating profiles. Follow Assante at @HeyAssante on Twitter. Be sure to watch the end of the video to see what’s next!