This is a topic I have tried to avoid because I don’t want it to be true. I do not want to date anymore assholes. My heart has reached its douchebag limit. So, for my sanity, I am hoping that this has only been true in my life… so far. Here’s the thing about bad guys; we know they’re bad. We know they will hurt us. We know the relationship will go nowhere. I personally don’t shun bad guys because I know what to expect. When good guys do bad things it catches you off guard and hurts so much more. But that’s another post. The story I’m sharing with you guys today is by far the craziest thing I have ever dealt with after sleeping with a bad guy.

But first, a brief back story:

About five years ago, when I started sharing my dating stories on the interwebs, my friend X.D. shared a theory with me that changed the way I looked at men forever. I may have shared this quote in my blog posts on the occasions when there is actually magic occurring on my mattress, and then it all goes to shit shortly after. I was talking about the jerky things that guys seem to do, and how some of them don’t really make an effort to not be jerky. In those situations, the relationship would be in shambles and the only thing we had left was an awesome sex life. Somehow, they think that I should have no complaints because they make me climb the walls every once in a while. He nodded at me knowingly and said, “Guys with big dicks don’t apologize.”

Since my last relationship, I have been on a few dates. There was only one guy who was able to keep my attention. He was so right and so wrong. He was like chocolate and peanut butter. We went out for a good amount of time, and I was clear every time a kiss would turn into a full out make-out session that I wasn’t ready to go further. All the while I’m starting to see some cracks in who he said was and how he actually acted. When we would disagree on things he would tell me I was uptight and this was mainly because I was “backed up,” according to him.  Every time he got on my nerves, he would tell me that I wouldn’t think he was annoying if we were sleeping together. He would get up and dance around mimicking his trademarked sex moves and tell me that it would change my life and my attitude.

Finally, after he barely passed the probation period, I gave in. And dagnabbit he was right! I will go as far as to say that it was probably the best sex I have ever had. EVER! While I’m still catching my breath and asking The Universe how all this can be possible, his phone rings at 3am. His phone never rings when we’re together. He has an old Blackberry. He’s not on any social networks. He only uses his phone for work. So when he got up from on top of me to answer the phone, and he announced that it was work, I didn’t flinch. He DJs on the side and he was supposed to be at a party so I thought nothing of it. But then he runs out of the room to answer the call and I hear him speak way too smoothly for it to be one of his DJ friends.

I get up out of bed, and hear him not even trying to whisper while in my bathroom saying things like “I miss you too,” and “I wish I was there also.” Then he says goodbye by telling this person that his friends are calling him back to work. When he walks out of the bathroom and sees me standing there with my mouth open, he immediately gets a case of the “let me explains.” I didn’t want to hear it because it didn’t matter. He was talking to her with the same mouth he had all over me literally two minutes before he took the call.

He tried to make up a story that seemed so outlandish, that I had to point out all of the books in my apartment while scolding him for insulting my intelligence. Then he voluntarily shows me the texts messages between them to show that he just met her and that he only engaged her because he wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with him after one of our disagreements. I was supposed to feel better somehow because at least I wasn’t a side chick. Seriously?!

When I highlighted that he hadn’t even washed off the sex we had yet before he took a call. In.My. House. His response was like “Are you going to make that ruin what we just had?”  He was so assured about how pleased I was that he thought it could completely erase how displeased I was with his immediate actions.

So at this point, I start to tune him out. I don’t hear a word of the stupid explanation he keeps trying to sell me. All I can think about is that we indeed just engaged in a sexual experience that will change my life forever as he boasted during our courtship. He was trying to explain himself naked for heaven’s sake. I was between a rock and his hard place. At what point do we face the choice between our dignity and great sex? It’s not fair, and it happens more than we would like to admit. When you find out you’ve been cheated on after investing years with someone or after you are already deeply in love, we end up making this choice when we stick around. If it was presented to you as sex vs. dignity, we’d all choose dignity but when we think in terms of sex vs. forgiveness it doesn’t seem so bad. In this case, we have all experienced a  guy turning into an asshole after you  finally have sex…but immediately after? That’s a first for me.

He was still talking. I wasn’t listening. I was thinking about how to proceed. I started to gather his clothing and told him and that he needed to leave. But… like I said folks this was life changing physically and the chain of events afterwards definitely left an emotional scar. I thought, since I probably won’t see him ever again I might as well get one for the road. Before you judge me… refer back to lines about it being life changing.

Afterwards, I sent him on his way. Months of being the “good girl” didn’t change the outcome. I knew he was bad. Not that bad or even that bold. The truth remains that he was probably the WORST guy I have ever dated and I’ll never forget him because he was the complete opposite in bed.

To be fair, I had great “relations” with the only boyfriend I can put in the good guy file in recent years but I was so used to the “good ones” becoming bad that I didn’t appreciate him breaking out of every box I put him in. So I did the obvious thing; I sabotaged the hell out of the relationship and then gave my blessing when a nice girl came into his life shortly after. I hold on to him as a legend. A unicorn of sorts. We’re friends now, and every time we talk I smack myself on the forehead for letting him go. I wasn’t ready then. I am so ready right now. I have two examples of a really good guy and really good sex and I refuse to believe that this does not exist in one person.  Come on Universe, you cannot be so cruel.


  1. Anonymous June 17, 2014 at 4:50 am

    I think you made this whole thing up?

    1. Simone W. June 17, 2014 at 8:53 pm

      I really wish I did. Sadly it all happened. Every last moment if it.


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